Our stories matter

I am married to one of the sweetest men on the face of this planet. He is one of the greatest gifts this life has given me. On occasion we fall short of our desired relationship mark and find ourselves in an argument. What do you do when you find yourself fighting with the one you love the most?

Most of us begin by lining up the evidence to support our case and to prove that we are right. As we are rallying the supporting evidence troops our partner is usually doing the very same thing. And where do we find ourselves: looking to share our next point. That’s right: we are in our heads, and not for a second listening to our partner. Where does this get us? Yup, you guessed it: stuck and frustrated.

The stories we tell ourselves

I recently attended a training, and at the end of the training the warm feelings I had been feeling had gone astray. I left in tears and was emotionally shaken. I dropped off my carpool buddy and proceeded to call my partner. I was in the in the throngs of telling him how I was feeling and he called out his daughter’s name (my step-daughter). I was crushed. I felt like he had chosen her over me and my pain. I went quickly from crushed to angry. I angrily said that I would talk to him when I got home and hung up the phone. As I drove home with tears streaming down my face, I became more and more upset. By the time I got home I was down-right pissed off.

By the time that I got home I had constructed a story that wasn’t true. I have seen this scenario play out in my office over and over again. Couples mount evidence that their partner isn’t there for them or doesn’t care. This is usually so far from the truth. I often ask my clients what is the opposite of love? Almost without hesitation they say it its hate. This is also untrue. The truth is the opposite of love is apathy. When we get angry enough to fight it is usually because we are longing for are partner and have convinced our selves that they don’t love us or care.

What if there were a better way?