Sex & Autism 10: Rigidity

We all have things we like and dislike: foods, feels, activities, and media to name a few. Most of us can easily handle changes to our expectations of what’s for dinner tonight, what plans we have for the weekend, and what our daily schedule looks like.

Many folks on the autism spectrum find great comfort in consistent, predictable schedules that might seem to never change to people not on the spectrum. Predictability in foods, places, and activities.

Monday night is pizza and dominoes.

Tuesday night is Chinese food and a book.

Wednesday night is chicken nuggets and Scrabble.

You get the picture. An autistic person’s desire for consistency has been the butt of many a joke on The Big Bang Theory. Change one thing in Sheldon’s evening routine, and all hell breaks loose. Rarely does it matter if the proposed change could be perceived as a “better” alternative, coping with changes to their environment or schedule can be challenging and met with resistance.

While Sheldon is fictional and possibly only slightly exaggerated, I have worked with people whose patterns are as rigid as depicted in Sheldon’s character. I have my own rigid frameworks I’m reluctant to abandon.

Rigidity can extend to the logistics of sex and sexuality. Sounds. Places. Smells. Who is home. Lighting. Touches. Temperature. Positions. Music. A fear that others might hear you. Any of these can be non-negotiables and ruin the feeling for either of you. You know yourself: you are the expert on your own experiences.

Here’s my big suggestion: talk about it!

Many people get creative when it comes to sex and sexiness (I like when you touch me here, I get aroused when you wear that outfit, I don't like when you touch me there, I wish you would touch me this way)... can we extend the conversation around sex to bring this excitement to your logistical needs?

Make time to discuss sex logistics away from the time and place dedicated to sex. Create a safe space where all of each partner’s needs can be heard. Don’t minimize any of your partner’s comments. These are as real to them as any of your needs are to you.

Through these discussions, you might find that earplugs are as important as lube, closed blinds, or a towel.