Shame and the drastic effect of not having friends

Many, many years ago, when our society was much less reliant on cell phones and our world was a much larger place, our immediate community played a significantly greater role in our lives. Community defined our safety and ability to survive. Community provided food and shelter. Ostracization from community was often a death sentence. This extragenic, societal memory is deeply engrained in each of us.

One of our certified sex therapists, Chris Wilhoite, tells patients that shame is the community telling you that you are bad. Similarly, Michael Elkin LMFT defines shame as the external witnessing of your badness. Shame activates a bio-physiological response that triggers a dorsal vagal response that can completely shut us down. Mammals have both dorsal and ventral vagal nerve systems. Fish only have the dorsal vagal nerve system. In the presence of shame, our physiological response becomes like a fish. When we experience shame, we feel our safety within our community is threatened. Essentially, we become fish out of water and our entire existence is on the line.

How do we deal with shame? For most people, they manifest their solution to shame with pain, anxiety, and depression; all of which are manifestations of physical sensations. Community is so fundamental to survival that evolution has shaped us to where physical and emotional pain is less damaging and detrimental to our future than shame. To survive in the community, we blanket our shame with painful covers.

What is the antidote to shame? Love… Connection… Acceptance… Friends.

Community is composed of friends. Shame threatens community. No community equals the potential of not surviving. A lack of friends threatens our survival.

So how do we make friends? That’s a story for another time.