Adult Autism: Interpreting Stop words

As a person with high-functioning adult autism, my autism often leads me to struggle with what some folks say. Certain words can cause me to stumble when attempting to discern their unspoken or unarticulated intentions with the words they use. I call these words or phrases stop words because I stop and question what the other person really means. Let’s dive into a few of them here.

“I know”

I once told one of the kids that they left the front door open and one of the dogs was exploring down the street. They replied, “I know.” Well if you knew that, why did you do that?! Roughly translated, “I know” means the same as another two-word comeback: “fuck you”.

“But”

In Game of Thrones, season 7 episode 1, Jon Snow says, “What did father use to say? Everything before the word ‘but’ is horse shit.” Here’s an example: “I love you, but you have autism” leaves me feeling that you might love me more if I didn’t have autism. I prefer the conjunction “and” to constructively join two separate thoughts while providing credence to both sides of the equation. “I love you and you have autism” lets me feel hopeful that I’m not a disappointment.

Dr Demento used to play a song with lyrics that intentionally had multiple meanings: “She has freckles on her [but/butt] she is nice.” The ambiguity introduced some whimsical sexual tension and was what made the song fun. When working with my autism, ambiguity in communication is not fun and can lead to miscommunication, arguments, ruptures, disappointment, and stress.

“I need you to do…”

I In the past, when someone said “I want you to do…” or “I need you to do…” I heard them say, “It’s not your problem, I will handle it.” Mentally I would reply, “Thanks for telling me about it and your ownership of the task.” I can now internally translate these statements into what I believe many people really mean: “Will you please do this for me?”

Communication is the basis of all relationships. The art is not only in saying what you truly mean; it also lies in discerning what the other really wants or needs. As you work to develop your communication skills, be daring enough to ask what other people mean when they say things you don’t directly understand. Start with people you feel safe around. You may further your growth by creating your own list of stop words.