Adult Connection and Socialization
In 1975, Ed Tronick, a distinguished professor at UMass, presented ground-breaking research to the society for research in child development emphasizing the human need for connection. In his experiment, “the still face experiment,” Tronick emphasized that even before we have verbal language we have needs to connect with our caregivers.
In the experiment, the mother interacts with her baby by engaging and reciprocating bids for connection. The mother is then instructed to turn away and return to her child with a flat and non-interactive state. The child quickly begins to reach and ask for interaction, followed by screeching, and then a full blown meltdown that results in hopeless facial expressions.
This pattern is replicated in adults and, especially, in couple relationships. When we fail to engage with our partner’s bids for connection often what results is one partner withdrawing and the other partner nitpicking, starting fights, and then into full blown arguments.
The message that one is attempting to communicate is ”hey where did you go?”, “am I still important to you?”, “I really need you, I miss you”. The pathway can lead to complete shut down and feelings of deep aloneness and hopelessness.
In couples therapy, I am often told that their partner just wants to pick fights and find everything that they are doing wrong. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Much like the infant in Ed Tronick’s still face experiments, our partners are asking us the same questions, “hey where did you go?”. It really is a function of wanting to connect and of missing their partner.
Some helpful steps to get out of the argument and distance in your relationship are:
1. Recognize your partner’s emotions as a signal that they are missing you and want to connect. This reframe allows you to not take it as a personal attack, rather as the inability in the moment to tell you “hey I really miss you”.
2. Listen more than you speak. Listen for the emotions that are happening in the moment and acknowledge and validate their emotions.
3. Ask questions around what their needs are and what kind of support they need.
Often couples fight as a means of trying to reconnect. We all need connection. When we get stuck and try to do things perfectly, we tend to freeze and don’t do anything, thus resulting in fighting and engaging in the very thing we are attempting to avoid. When your partner is experiencing emotions, lean into them. Much like the finger traps of childhood, when we pull away it causes both parties to be stuck. And, much like when we lean into the finger trap, it expands and there is more room for both partners to get their needs met and frees them up to connect.
