An order of operations for a stronger relationship

The need to feel seen, heard, felt, and valued are universal needs. This is the basic construction of connection. Most couples strive to feel connected to their partner. They yearn to feel known and have the ability to communicate without judgment. This feeling of being seen, heard, known, and valued is the core components of connection.

Unfortunately, many couples find they have the same argument over and over, and are both left feeling unseen, unheard, unknown, and misunderstood. This is a scary place to find yourself in, often feeling misunderstood and alone in their feelings and not knowing what to do. When someone we love is hurting, we often find that we want to fix it. We find ourselves wanting to offer advice, options, opinions, and defend, justify, or explain our actions. We yearn to give and get relief. Relief is believed to be found in fixing the problem, or so we think. We find ourselves defending our loved one, our position, or offering solutions. This in couples is often met with resistance and before we know it we are in a fight.

What if there were a better way? A way to get out of the fight.

There is. I call it order of operations. Much like a math problem, relationship problem solving has an order of operations.

Think of it as a math problem:

5x(2+3)²

If we solve the problem linearly— left to right 5x2+3²— we get the wrong answer. To arrive at the correct answer, one first resolves what is in the parentheses. If we solve for the exponent before solving the problem in the parentheses we get the answer wrong. Next, we apply the exponent, even though it is the last element of the equation. Finally, we multiply the entire result by the first number in the problem, the 5.

Think of it like this: emotions or feelings are the first thing we need to work with, sort of like solving for what is inside of the parentheses. Acknowledging the feelings is the first step. The next step is validating your partner’s perspective. This means that you can see how your partner could feel this way. The final step is sharing your perspective.

The order matters!

The brain is wired to deal first with the emotions. We need to know that we are safe and that our feelings matter. Seeing our partners perspective doesn’t make ours wrong or theirs right. It means seeing how they could feel that way. Acknowledging emotions and validating them is the first part of solving the problem. Looking through the lens of empathy and attempting to see your partner’s perspective is the next step in the process. Finally, accepting influence and owning our contribution to the problem can lead us to finding ways to resolve the problem.

If this sounds like you, there is hope and help. Changing how you look at the process and putting a new order of operations into place may be just the thing that helps restore your relationship.