Hard Talks Pt 6: collaborate don’t negotiate

A third pathway for connecting conversations is to be open to multiple ways of collaboratively solving the problem. My great grandmother used to say, “you have two ears and one mouth, which one should you use more often?” Listening is just as important as talking. Silence can be a good thing when used to hear and to understand.

Stop trying to be nice! Start by being respectful and kind, and share what you are thinking using a soft start up and gentleness. It is here that genuine curiosity and openness often aids in connections.

Come from the perspective of discussion and collaboration rather than negotiation. Collaboration aids in identifying and working towards a common goal, which for couples leads to connection. Negotiation drives a wedge between those at the table.

I’ve watched my partner negotiate car purchases, and it can be a brutal process where he holds all the power. He’s always ready to walk away and forsake everything in the relationship if he doesn’t feel he’s getting what he wants. In a relationship negotiation, everyone involved loses when the individuals won’t put aside selfish and self-centered wants for the benefit of the couple. Negotiation is about maximizing what one individual gets rather than connection that the couple is desiring.

The best and most successful solutions come when both members of the couple have the opportunity to dialogue. Think of dialogue like verbal and intellectual dancing with the free sharing of ideas leading to a mutual conclusion. Interestingly enough, couples who have dialogues about problems are more likely to participate in solutions and ideas when they are given the opportunity to participate in the decision making process, even if they don’t agree. Inclusion of ideas from both partners toward a mutual goal— even if the chosen path is different than they would have chosen— results in a better outcome than if a command or advice is given.