Start small and set yourself up to win
Begin by imagining one small thing that would signal that things are getting better, and begin to look for it in your daily interactions. Look for your partner doing good. When you find them doing something well, tell them. This fosters the feelings of being seen and appreciated and goes a long way. This doesn’t mean that you are burying your head in the sand to the problems in your relationship.
Positive thinking means that you approach your daily life in a more positive and productive way. When you think this way your brain begins to look for the positive and expects that the best is going to happen. Positive thinking often starts with healthy self-talk. How we talk to ourselves in our internal narration of our lives has a significant affect on how we interact with our partner. Many times self-talk may arise from misconceptions that you create because of lack of information.
I remember calling home and really needing my partner’s full attention. I was sad and stressed. During a particularly sensitive part of the conversation with my partner, he called out our daughter’s name. I thought he wasn’t paying attention to me and disregarded everything that I was saying as not of particular importance... yet of course it was very significant to me! Little did I know that our daughter was pouring milk all over the floor. I curtly told him that I would talk to him when I got home and hung up the phone in fear and frustration. I did not have the full information and the story I told myself was not accurate. One small thing that you can do is to not believe everything that you tell yourself.
Much like steering an ocean liner, decisions to change direction of the ship start small and begin miles before the turn must be completed. As we make small, incremental changes in how we are behaving and interacting with our partner, greater and desired change can begin to happen... often miles later!
Realize the only person you can truly change is you. Ask yourself, “What small thing do I need to do to help change the situation?”
My sweet, Polish mother-in-law always says that if it is going to be it’s up to me. That doesn’t mean we let our partner off the hook. It means that change begins with ourselves. I can’t over-emphasize enough that finding our partner doing good and appreciating them can seem so small and insignificant, and yet have such profound results.
Additionally, small acts of kindness set the stage for big results. It is the small things that mean the most. Leave a sticky note in their car that simply says have a wonderful day. Be curious about them. Send them a “I am thinking about you” text. A small— yet profound— change that can leave lasting impact on your relationship is the ability to apologize when you are wrong.
Noted couples researcher John Gottman believes that owning our part in things is the antidote to defensiveness— one of the key relationship killers. Learn to accept your part in the problems. Troubles in a marriage are never one-sided. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, believes that a well-crafted apology where you own your part can enhance the relationship and help the relationship to heal.
Start small and see where it takes you and your relationship.
