Sex & Autism 8: Resetting sensory responses

Most of my formal autism training centers around working with children. We have so many wonderful skills and techniques to assist younger children with autism! While almost all of these skills can work with adults, it can be a difficult conversation to ask someone to do a baby elephant walk or play with a tub of dry macaroni in the middle of their work day... or during sexy time.

I work diligently to tailor child-centric methodologies to our adult world. I’m usually my first guinea pig when adapting a new method.

Visiting the Grocery Store

Our goal isn’t to eliminate the sensory struggles: it’s to be able to tolerate the stimuli to get through the event with a minimum of stress and anxiety. Looking back at my journey though surviving a trip to the grocery store, I’m doing much better than before. Let’s be honest: I still have an occasional time when my wife says, “Do you need to go to the car?”

Using the reset button

So when an overwhelming sensory experience takes over, how can we reset the situation?

With children, we often combine sensory inputs to help them reach threshold. Once sensory threshold is reached, we find the nervous system experiences greater stability and safety. Now is the time we might begin healthier communication. There’s a lot of polyvagal theory applied with neurophysiology, neurochemistry, and gut biology.

Time for some adult time

So what do I do with adults? When someone feels overwhelmed or feels trapped by a sensation, I turn on some rhythmic music. Metronomic pulses provide cadence for brain activity and the limbic system. When out and about? Slip in some AirPods and no one knows your attending to your autism.

Next, I get the person up and moving, swinging their arms back and forth across their chest and then down reaching for their toes, left hand to right knee and right hand to left knee. If you’re sitting at your desk, tap your right knee with your left hand and your left knee with your right hand.

I hand them a lumpy ice pack that feels like a bag of frozen peas and ask them to squish around the cold beads.

Making things work

One of the challenges to working with autism is the individuality required to adapt each tool. The saying goes: when you’ve met one person with autism, congratulations, you’ve met one person with autism.

So what’s this got to do with sex?

Take a moment and think about sex and sexuality. There will be sights, sounds, smells, tastes, feels, and textures that can be overwhelming. Being ready to calm an overstimulated nervous system can make a big difference between a total shutdown and failure and enjoying an encounter with your partner. Don’t be afraid to kick the sheets off your feet if the feeling is overwhelming.