Hard Talks Pt 1: to connect and heal
TL;DR
Chris explains why calm talks can suddenly blow up: during conflict, adrenaline floods the brain, narrowing vision and hearing and making even positive feedback feel negative. She says practicing connecting conversations before that flood happens is among the most important tools for a lasting relationship.
Let’s talk on how to have conversations that connect and heal authentically rather than explode and cause separation.
“Wow, how did this happen?”
One moment you and your partner are having what seems to be a rational conversation and then, all of the sudden, you find yourself angry and hurt— and it seemed to come out of nowhere. When emotions run high, the body releases adrenaline and our senses become focused as though your life was on the line.
When this happens— as it often does when we get into an argument with our partner— the brain can’t tell the difference between a heightened emotional experience and eminent life-threatening danger. Our brains flood and our bodies prepare to run, fight, or play dead. Emotions take over and the fear of attack releases adrenaline... which narrows our field of view, physically limits our hearing, and hinders rational and thoughtful conversations. When we get to this point we often think that we are being completely rational when, in fact, we are no such thing. Once the brain is flooded with adrenaline, even the most positive feedback can be taken negatively. These moments tend to come out of the blue and the brain has no time to prepare.
Practicing connecting conversations before an adrenaline flood is one of the most important tools to a long-lasting, healthy, and resilient relationship.
