What is this thing called intimacy?
As I was leaving the office one day I was stopped by one of my colleagues and he asked where I was headed with that great big smile on my face. I smiled even larger and replied that I was going to meet my husband for a date. He asked if he could share a piece of advice that had served him well for over 40 years. As I am always eager to keep my relationship with my sweet husband solidly-connected, I replied “absolutely”. His advice to me was to hug my husband until I no longer felt like a therapist and more like my wonderful husband’s wife.
I took my colleague’s sage advice and it has served me — and many clients — very well. This one act of intimacy led me on a quest to discover what was this thing called intimacy and how I could help my clients better achieve it. What I found was that I had it right all along. I have always believed that we as human beings need and want to be seen, heard, and felt. It is the feeling of being known, by your partner, by yourself, and by knowing your partner. It is knowing someone deeply and what matters to them.
Intimacy comes in the form of a loving kiss good-bye in the morning or when leaving your sweetie. It is the exchange of a tender glance, or squeeze of the hand. It is a hug at the end of a long day when you finally get to see your sweetheart. There is the feeling that you are on the same wavelength and that you get each other. You are able to let your guard down and feel safe doing so.
Intimacy is fueled by friendship, openness, and vulnerability. Intimacy is the ability to express a varied range of emotions and feelings without fear of judgment or criticism. Intimacy also comes in the form of being able to share a myriad of ideas with an open mind and heart. Intimacy resides within all of us. I like to think of intimacy as oneness, merging two souls into one. True intimacy broadens our knowledge of one’s self and our partner. When we come to know our partner’s innermost story, we increase our intimacy.
In our fast-paced society, connection is often left to what we can get from our devices. Our use of antidepressants are up 64% from 1999 to 2014. This translates to 12.7% of the US population age 12 and older. This makes me curious about how well we are doing at being intimately connected to our partners, families, and friends. Check out my article “Building Your Intimacy Muscle” to find things that build intimacy and actives that will help you exercise this muscle.
