Hard Talks Pt 7: Stay focused on your goal

Next, stay focused on your goal to make connecting conversations work.

Ask yourself “What do I want my partner to know?”, “What do I want to get from this conversation?”, and “What do I want to avoid in this conversation?” When confronted with objections and you begin to feel yourself get emotional, hit the pause button and listen to what your partner is saying and, just as importantly, what they are not saying. Knowing what you really want from a conversation and being aware of your own emotional sate can help keep vulnerable conversations on track and lead to the desired goal of feeling seen, heard, valued, and connected. The best outcomes of hard conversations come when our partners feel safe and feel that they are not going to get attacked. This is where knowing your goal and what you want your partner to understand is important.

Creating and keeping an environment of safety is important to connecting conversations and includes two important conditions: a feeling of mutual respect and a common goal or purpose. Language is important in these moments. A gentle calm voice and the use of “I feel” statements often yield the best results, even in controversial and critical conversations. When giving feedback, try using what I like to call the sandwich method: share that your partner is important to you and what and how they feel matter; followed by the desired need, want, or problem; followed up with appreciation for the positive things that they do in your life.

When all else fails, stay curious and use three of my favorite words: “Tell me more.”