Sex & Autism 16: a recipe for great sex
I hear often enough from people that their current sex life has gone downhill. A few have said it dropped into the Mariana Trench. They tell me sex was great and happened all the time at the beginning of their relationship, and now it feels like a chore.
What happened?
In the beginning, sex with this partner was new. You were both discovering each other and investing large amounts of time and energy into the relationship. Things between the two of you were fresh. Now, things might be stale. The two of you might take each other for granted. Every other priority the two of you face is the priority. As a couple, you may argue more often as both have settled into their own roles in the relationship.
How can you get back to the great sex you remember from the beginning of the relationship?
Reinvigorating the sex spark is a relatively straightforward process: reintroduce the conditions from the beginning of the relationship. As with so many things, easier said than done.
Wind up the wayback machine
You can start by expressing fondness to your partner and sharing words of admiration. Don’t hoard your positive feelings for your partner. Share small, positive things often. Lots of small marbles consistently added will fill the connection jar faster than any one big thing. In the beginning, you routinely showered each other with kind words.
In the beginning, neither of you paid much attention to your relationship problems and indulged in the happy feelings of the relationship. When struggles arose, you talked about them. Go back to the beginning and talk about the problems in your relationship.
Make everything that built this relationship a priority today. Re-order your to-do list and put these priorities at the top: fun, playfulness, silliness, adventure, romance, passion, kissing, great sex.
These activities are so important I want to share them once again:
- Fun
- Playfulness
- Silliness
- Adventure
- Romance
- Passion
- Kissing
- Great sex
Expert relationship researcher John Gottman tells us that every positive thing you do in a relationship is foreplay. He also shares there is a scientific answer to how to build a great sexual relationship: kissing builds a great erotic relationship. He teaches that a good kiss lasts at least six seconds.
Revisit the beginning and ask about your partner’s erotic desires, accelerators, and brakes. You might think you know them all— their wants and needs may have changed.
During the first stage of a relationship, oxytocin helps with bonding and feelings of closeness. You can enhance oxytocin levels in your bloodstreams by cuddling during together time such as watching TV, scrolling, or reading. Heightened oxytocin levels help to strengthen the bond between the two of you.
There’s no free lunch. Prioritizing these activities can help bring you two back to a relationship that is conducive to a great sex life.
