Hard Talks Pt 5: Make it happen regularly

Another helpful method to make a connective conversations work better is to set aside time to talk on a regular basis.

Be present with your partner. Pay close attention to what is being said and what isn’t being said— not just what you hear. Recognize when safety has been lost. Once safety has been flooded by adrenaline, there are some tell tale signs that the conversation needs to be put on hold. Your partner will begin to get silent or to get sarcastic, or they will start interrupting and cutting you off.

Listening and attuning to your partner’s emotions play a critical role in feeling seen and heard. Avoid extrapolating and assuming your partner’s thoughts and intentions. Avoid telling them “I know what you are thinking” or “you don’t care about me”. Marty Klein, one of my favorite sex therapists, equates telling your partner that your knowing what they think or feel says you know them better than they know themselves— and it is simply not possible nor true.

If there is a possibility of high emotions, take notes of what is being said using the language that your partner uses and attempt to identify the emotions they are conveying. When you disagree with their perspective, respond with authentic and genuine curiosity. If there is a piece of what they are saying that you agree with, tell them so. Own any parts of your behavior that are are yours to own. Accept your mistakes, be willing to get things wrong, and be willing to hear a perspective that may be different than the one you hold. Be willing and open to what steps you need to change rather than telling your partner what steps they need to take.

This style of interaction accomplishes three main objectives: it allows your partner to know that you really hear them; it begins the down-regulation process; and aids in building and strengthening connection.

Avoid single-sided problem solving or attempting to “fix” the problem. Broken furniture and dogs are two things that need to be fixed: your relationship is neither! Single-sided problem solving leads to increased distress and the feeling of being dismissed.

Avoid declarative statements like “you always” or “you never”. No one always or never does anything, and this is akin to name calling. Name calling is one of the symptoms of contempt— one of the four horseman of the relationship apocalypse— that John Gottman identified as severely problematic in a relationship.