How do you label your adult autism?
Labels are great to discover what size pants I’m going to buy or to read the ingredients in a snack I’m about to eat. Labels are great in filing cabinets. Labels are not always as beneficial when they put a person into a category they might not identify with.
Let’s examine being on the autism spectrum or having adult ADHD. How do you want to identify and define yourself?
I have no issues labeling myself as “the autistic kid.” I don’t know how I’d want someone else to identify my adult autism... mainly because I’ve never thought about this end of the conversation. Most of the time my mask is up and “normal” people do not think me any different than anyone else.
My wife and I have friends where both members of the couple are medical doctors. Because I’ve learned to mask my adult autism, they didn’t fully believe my wife that I was on the spectrum. They just couldn’t see it.
That is, until I was turned loose in an archaeological site in Tuscany. The ground was littered with pot shards, pieces of roof tiles, tesserae, and other ancient detritus. After a few minutes of me running around like a kid in a candy store on a sugar high, my wife asked, “Can you see his adult autism now?” Yes, our friend replied. The adult autism mask was off and it was impossible to hide.
I was still just “Tommy” after that interaction. Neither of our friends thought of me any differently. Most of my friends don’t hold on to my adult autism as a label, and I’m simply their friend Tommy. To them, I can be a bit quirky, sort-of just like other people.
However, I’ve seen instances where a person was labeled as “autistic,” and that label was painful and used to create and enforce unfair boundaries and prejudices. They didn’t want to be segregated as not normal, worthy of friendship, or up to the task. They were just a bit quirky in their own ways, sort-of like everyone else.
I also have adult ADHD. Years ago in the unenlightened, dark ages of my youth, some of my peers thought I could be an annoying spaz at times. If you don’t know the meaning of that word, ask someone twenty years your senior. I didn’t like what people labeled me as, and that label often became synonymous as a replacement for my name... perhaps it made things easier when the “spaz” or “weirdo” was picked last for kickball.
As a person with adult ADHD or adult autism, you may have experienced being picked last— this time for inclusion in a team at work or for a date. Those experiences can really hurt— and can have as significant effects as experiences in childhood.
Assign your own label
As a person with adult ADHD and adult autism, I have experienced the empowerment of choosing my own labels for who, what, and how I am.
When I coach someone with adult ADHD and/or adult autism, I want to know how you define yourself. I think your ownership of your adult autism or adult ADHD is just as important as the discussions surrounding preferred names, gender, and pronouns.
Do you see your self as “having autism” or “being autistic”? Do you “work to manage your adult ADHD” or do you “struggle and suffer with adult ADHD”?
Identifications and labels matter. If you haven’t thought about how you want to be identified, I invite you to take time to think about that. I want to be sensitive to how we talk about who, what, and how we are.
I hope that in most cases, people just see you and identify you as you, without a label.
