Adult ADHD, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and Negative Self Talk
The line “we are our own worst critic” is such a cliche now a days, and I only now realized how true it actually is.
Four months ago I sent my mom a text telling her how stupid my math class made me feel. I berated myself. I allowed the negative thought processes to infiltrate my mind and sow its seeds of doubt. Now, four weeks from the end of the semester, I am digging myself out of my hole.
No one told me I was stupid— my professor makes sure to call on me in class to ensure I am engaged and taking in the content. In spite of that, I still have more missing assignments than I know what to do with. The weight of these assignments doesn’t fall on the shoulders of anyone else but me. I allowed myself to believe that because I am stupid and math doesn’t make sense, I shouldn't try. I shouldn’t try at all.
I was so paralyzed with fear about math that those feelings trickled over to my Choir classes. I struggle to show up on time. Then when I am running late I panic so hard that I throw up, making myself even later.
Only now do I realize that the rejection isn’t external, but internal. I am paralyzed by my own fears and doubts. I feel so overwhelmed that it’s almost as if I have a physical mountain on top of me, even though it’s barely a small stack of paper in my backpack. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria can manifest itself, and flash its devilish horns days, weeks, months, or years after the initial stimulus.
I know it’s hard. I struggle with it too.
But let me say this: you are not alone. The voices screaming in your head are loud; the panic and tightness in your chest is painful. The isolation inside the confines of your head is what stings the most... at least in my experience. The lesson I am learning— the painful trudge through my own doubts— is that I can do anything. I am not a victim of my circumstance. The mountain of emotion can be calmed in an instant. But that instant can also feel like an eternity. When in reality it’s two hours of math homework I could finish tonight.
Four months and countless panic attacks, now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. The effects of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria aren’t limited to one specific item or narrow area in life.
For me, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and negative self talk consume me. It is exacerbated by my adult ADHD. It fills my thoughts with doubt, my happiness with sorrow and dread. It forces me into bed for days on end because the world is too stressful to deal with. Then everything else that I missed because of being bed bound compounds on top of the initial problem. So now I’m stupid ’cause I can’t do math, I’m lazy cause I can’t get out of bed, and I’m a bad musician because I can’t keep up with my choir-mates.
None of that is true. But if I said that I never said those things to myself, I’d also be a liar.
